1. Disorientation and Lack of Clarity: Constantly feeling unclear about your partner’s interest, intentions, or commitment is a red flag. If you’re always wondering where you stand, it could signal an attachment mismatch.

Many clients are left decoding the cryptic engagement of a love or dating interest. Rather than directing your attention to deciphering their mysterious feelings, note the process as an indication that they are not clearly pursuing or receiving romantic advances. Absent some extenuating circumstances, armed with the clarity that your expectations are reasonable and you’re managing your own anxiety, this confusion is a gift – they are not available at present or able to provide security.

2. Cognitive Dissonance: Experiencing a disconnect between your partner’s words and their behavior, or between the content of their speech and their tone, creates confusion.

Maybe you thought you knew the sum and substance of someone, but something isn’t adding up. For example, they may say they care deeply about you, but act indifferently. They may tell you that you are a priority, but everything else seems to come first. Discordance is not safe. Perhaps you strain to see the good in their intentions and understand the context of their actions, holding onto words over observable evidence to the contrary. You may find soothing yourself and reclaiming your needs (which does not make you needy, but more on that in another post) are better uses of your time. Radical acceptance involves coming to terms with the reality that exists in this moment.

3. Fluctuating Rhythms: Healthy relationships usually have a consistent rhythm. When your partner’s warmth and coldness, or their approach and withdrawal, fluctuate without clear reasons, it can leave you feeling off-balance. Pay attention.

Again, without healthy communication initiated by them about specific circumstances that account for the change, and particularly if this is a recurring pattern, it simply isn’t fair to you. This does not make the love object a bad person – most of this avoidance is unconscious and rarely malicious. Even with empathy and compassion for what may be controlling their time and attention, it may still benefit you to honor your own wants and limits and acknowledge their inability to show up for you.

4. Vacillating Behavior: If your partner’s behavior swings between extremes—being affectionate one moment and distant the next—it can be disorienting and make you question their true feelings and intentions.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde come as a package deal; it does not behoove you to believe you can date one facet of a personality divorced from the whole. If someone is capable of great kindness and unconscionable cruelty, those are both authentic sides of the same human. You cannot selectively interface with the preferred personality, and it is not your job to change someone, particularly if they cannot acknowledge the issue and personally desire self-improvement whether or not the relationship is doing well.

5. Walking on Eggshells: Feeling like you need to tiptoe around your partner to avoid disproportionate or unexpected reactions to your neutral or minor behaviors? That indicates that something is off.

Healthy relationships should provide a sense of security, stability, and safety, not anxiety and fear. If you feel extraordinarily cautious and find you are suppressing parts of your full personality/spontaneity to avoid their wrath or distancing, then you may find it challenging to be content and feel free with them long-term.