Checking your expectations

What does connection mean to you — what are your expectations, and are they realistic? 

Anticipate that you may be sensitive to others’ perceptions/rejections. It’s not always personal.

Know yourself. Plan to be mindful of ways you compromise and make exceptions to justify relationships that are not right for you. Retain your standards. And allow for feelings of insecurity. Prepare for unhelpful coping mechanisms to control that feeling (drinking too much, judging others, abandoning your authenticity, suppressing natural eagerness, seeking romantic relationships first and borrowing their community, trauma dumping, or people-pleasing). And don’t give up.

Taking initiative without personalizing the response

Consider a behavioral experiment: Try one small, meaningful social action each week, whether that’s attending a community event, joining a club or starting a conversation with a neighbor. Before, during, and after, track your emotional responses and any automatic thoughts that arise (e.g., “I’ll be awkward,” “They won’t like me”). This can provide insight into core beliefs or schemas that might be shaping your experience. Challenge them.

Nourish every opportunity. Say hello and express genuine curiosity about the person checking out your groceries. Spread interest, respect and humanity. Consider it a win if you make the effort, and a double if you are self-aware and actively self-affirming while doing it.

Practical ways to build connection

Adult friendship often grows through convenience, shared activities, proximity and common life stages. But differences enrich our bonds and contribute to personal and communal growth as well. Balance these. 

Structured and unstructured social settings both have value and provide at least one nexus of connection. Formal groups offer consistency and exist independent of others’ validation or interest, while everyday micro-interactions (at a coffee shop, dog park or co-working space) create familiarity over time. Consider spaces aligned with your values, such as:

• Meetup groups based on hobbies, interests or intersecting identities
• Lectures and performances at UC Boulder or exhibits at The Dairy Arts Center 
• Local volunteer opportunities, including animal shelters and senior support centers
• Group fitness classes or outdoor recreation groups
• Political associations and discussion groups
• Faith-based or spiritual gatherings (church, temple, mosque, 12 Step, etc.)
• LGBTQ+ groups like Rocky Mountain Equality
• Co-working spaces, book clubs and community skills workshops (pottery, craft)
• Local education (language seminars, financial literacy training, cooking classes)
• Community gardens, local conservation advocacy and outreach opportunities
• Parenting groups, school events, PTA meetings
• Live music, dance, art exhibits and other expressive media
• Dog training and obedience classes
• Meetup App listings
• Read local publications (shout out to Boulder Weekly!) to learn about upcoming events

How to start a conversation

You don’t need to be clever or unique to start a conversation. A simple “Hi” is enough. Most people appreciate friendly acknowledgment, and small talk is a bridge to deeper conversations. I equate it to butt sniffing as a dog: it isn’t the content of the conversation, but the exchange of energy: establishing an open line, determining (largely through nonverbal cues) the early safety and trustworthiness of a peer, and demonstrating through posture, tone, and space, how closed or open we are to contact. 

If it helps, have a few topics in mind. Prepare something light and contextually relevant, like commenting on an event, asking for a recommendation or mentioning something you both have in common. (“Have you been coming to this class for a while?” or “That book looks interesting, have you read other things by that author?”) You may fare better with open-ended prompts, unless it’s clear someone is in a time crunch. 

While it’s okay to have an idea of what to say, avoid sounding overly rehearsed. Instead, focus on being present and engaged. People can sense when you’re genuinely interested, and that’s far more important than delivering the perfect opening line. Pay attention to their responses and adjust naturally; conversation is a dynamic process, not a performance.

Embracing vulnerability and reshaping rejection

It’s normal to feel exposed when trying to build new relationships, and not every social attempt will lead to a connection. If you’re an adult, most will not. You can handle rejection. But success isn’t measured by making immediate friends. It’s about consistently putting yourself in situations where relationships can naturally develop. It’s about making others feel seen and acknowledged. It’s also an opportunity to self-affirm that you are enough, worthy and deserving of love, regardless of the reception. 

Take the opportunity to be your own friend. Plan self-date adventures on a regular basis. Doing so also removes the temptation to substitute digital relationships, or even vicarious living, for real-world experiences.

Hope itself can help alleviate loneliness before local bonds do. Having a plan with small, sustainable steps can make this transition feel more manageable. Connection takes time, but you are actively building a life here, and that’s something to be proud of.